Lessons from Home Burning Part 2

“This Gives Me Perspective”

This is odd to share. I am not trying to come off as holier-than-thou although I’m sure that can be read into this. I’m sharing my experience, my feelings around events, understanding they are very different than everyone else in the same situation. I am not writing this to judge other people’s response to these events as inferior. Your response is your own, more normal than mine and that is fine. Instead, in writing this I am striving to better understand why my experience is such as it is. In addition, I’m hoping that my sharing may help some others through inspiration, as indeed several people have said regarding part 1. With that disclaimer, onward…

Am I just suppressing grief that will come out later?

Am I just in denial about what happened?

These are the questions I was asking myself after I had confirmation that my home had completely burned down.

You see, what I was feeling was positive.

Don’t get me wrong. I was realistic about the hurdles ahead, but focused on what mattered. No one was hurt. It was all just material things that could be replaced and a good exercise in enforced minimalism.

As for the sentimental things… well, here is a good enforced opportunity to practice non-attachment.

I mentioned the paradox of feeling both devastation and liberation to some, but if I’m honest, I was feeling more of that latter.

But why wasn’t I depressed? Angry? Stricken with grief?

Would it hit me like a tidal wave later? Would it come in repeated waves over time?

No, I was actually my normal happy self. I thought there might be small pangs as I recognized this or that thing that I enjoyed was gone. But to be honest, now three weeks out, not really even that for me.

I’ll admit I have faced some frustration over insurance hassles. And, especially since we were just seven days from selling the house, that this event will financially set my family back despite insurance.

But I had already moved on.

Truth was people around me were more sad for me than I was personally! That’s a weird thing to deal with.

I would say I had already reframed the situation to know that this would be a good thing. Actually reframe is the wrong word. Just the frame from the very beginning. A new challenge to overcome. An adventure to have. A great story to tell. Something that would make me a better person. That would strengthen my family.

I wouldn’t even say I was being stoic so much as I was actually already looking at the positive things to come from this.

It came down to perspective.

First of all, I knew it could have been far worse. As I mentioned, no one got hurt (that I knew). Had that been different, I don’t think I’d be positive the same way. This gives me perspective.

Secondly, I’d gone through rough things before. The worst being losing my mother to cancer. I had tons of grief at that time. Back then I DID suppress my feelings. And while I still miss her, wishing she was around to play with her granddaughter especially, having worked on my grief with many psychological tools over the years, I see her passing as the last gift she gave me.

Couldn’t the fire be a gift too? Why wait to see it as such? This gives me perspective.

A friend of mine lost her house to a fire years ago. I had heard her story. I had talked to her about it. And, like with my mother, she now sees it as a blessing in disguise. This gives me perspective. (Thank you Denise!)

In the days following, I was amazed by all the love and support and donations too. This made me feel on a more embodied level that I was rich in one of the most important things, human connection. This gives me perspective.

All these came immediately to mind. But for a couple of days there was something niggling at me. I didn’t quite have the complete picture. I felt like I was missing another key component. Why was I genuinely okay with this?

And then it hit me.

I’ve spent the last year and a half diving deep into the darkest corners of humanity. Into the amazing levels of corruption that exist in our world.

There’s this idea that doing so makes people unbalanced (or attracts unbalanced people in the first place). Looking at conspiracies makes people depressed. Angry. Sad. And I have no doubt that that is true…to some degree and for some people.

There is no doubt I felt those feelings at times. Comes with the territory. There are revolting horrible possibilities.

Yet, I could make a very strong case that most people aren’t willing to dig into the facts of such, as a protection mechanism. Deny it exists so you don’t have to face its terror.

Not me. I felt the trauma of our reality…and I kept moving forward.

I felt the confusion of the mysterious, contradictory and insane possibilities, the ten thousand rabbit holes…and I kept moving forward. As the saying goes, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

I felt like I broke my mind at times wrestling with the truth. My sensemaking capacity fractured striving to understand what was really going on. (I still don’t…but I am reasonably comfortable in this place of realizing we’re all delusional about a lot…)

I sought to recognize sociopathy. I sought to understand evil. I sought to grasp our collective shadows and had to process them personally along the way. Oh yes, I definitely went through ups and downs.

Too few people wrestle with the fact that 97%+ of people would have joined the Nazi’s had they been in Germany at the time. Or at least stepped aside and allowed it to happen.

“Not I” says the naive individual who doesn’t actually reflect on what really went on there, how uncertain things were in the present compared to having hindsight, and how well propaganda really works.

“Yes I” says the person who does the deep, dark self-reflection.

Knowing this now let me set about changing course so I can truly say “Not I”. (Still a work in progress of course…)

And this more so than anything else I believe was why I was in a good mood!

Knowing what really goes on, the depths of the darkness of what occurs in the world, it makes me more resilient. More antifragile.

After all, it could be far worse. I mean come on! Child sex trafficking is a thing. A BIG thing. I have wrestled with conceiving that that could be my daughter. This gives me perspective.

There are more people in slavery today than in anytime in history…and yet we’re arguing about reparations for past slavery. This gives me perspective.

Companies profiting off of the death of people is a thing. In fact, it makes the world go round. And gaining so much profit they can steer laws, science and culture in their favor. This is so pervasive most people can’t see but a tiny fraction of it. This gives me perspective.

So much perspective in fact, that losing my home and just about all my possessions genuinely feels like child’s play in comparison.

No, not just that. My house burning down is a good thing. I needed more genuine personal adversity to forge my soul for the battles ahead.

What is occurring right now in the world and what is coming down the road is much harder…

Face the truth. It might break you. But if it doesn’t you’ll become a better person for it.

That’s my crazy, weird, but seemingly useful perspective anyway.